Inside my head my thoughts are racing uncontrollably anger issues

Inside my head my thoughts are racing uncontrollably along with the voices screaming and shouting demands to do things I really shouldn't do. I should be punished I don't deserve to live happily. Scars on my body are the road map from hell since age 12 I've cut at your command. Whats that--I should be punished for not doing the dishes? I don't do dishes I guess and now I must pay.

It's so lonely even in a crowded room I feel all alone, strange isn't it? Love to burn bushes and trees so long as no one gets hurt. The flames mesmerizes me into a stance like stare. The violent behavior follows soon after the crying fool leaves and that's when things start to get broken. Whats wrong with me?

Some days I could just kill someone, anyone I'm so angry then I cut and the pressure is released and I can go on for a few hours safely. Scars are my reminder that for 30yrs I've been sick but no one knew it till 1997 when my world collided with mental health professionals. Now I feel like a tagged animal being watched and followed.

Desperate to love, Shameful Love ?

Desperate to love, Shameful Love ?

I read what I have just written and anxiety kicks in fiercely. This anxiety comes from a feeling of intense shame at the thought of a) loving someone and b- wanting to be loved. Both seem to be related to the belief that I am flawed, disgusting, stupid, only good to be used and thrown out. Maybe not even that.

I felt attracted to a co-worker at some point and I was about to leave the job as I couldn’t stand the anxiety derived from my shame at liking someone who I thought to be so lovely. How dared I? I hated me immensely and felt humiliated. When I feel attracted to someone I hate myself so very much.

When I dare thinking that I want to be loved a part of me makes sure that I am beaten up violently and and that I am put in my place.

But don't others have the same need? To be loved? And to love? Is it a need that many feel, maybe without shame? It might be because many seem to do it ok and they even talk about it as if it was an ok think to want and to expect from life... from another...

 I feel a need to be loved I want to be loved so desperately that I have sex with anyone who asks I know they don't love me they use me but part of me feels I deserve to be used so that feeds that need. My parents don't love me which breaks my heart they never did so I look for woman who are mother figures I struggle with relationships with women I prefer men but I'm all twisted and wrong every man to me is someone to have sex with appropriate or not and woman are to be feared but see none of this my fault my mother was twisted and cruel and my father well I can't say but do you get what I mean the way you feel isn't your fault you so deserve to be loved you are lovely kind caring person I rambled sorry if I didn't make sense but you so deserve to be loved

i feel pretty similar even though i do desperatly want love to love someone and be loved back but i also experience anxiaty at the thought and knowing that i am pretty unlovable i cant go through anymore hurt than i already am so i end up isolating in fear of being hurt and judged for being anxious and taking time to open up. iv been told that its about finding someone that you can work through the boundries together slowly. but finding someone is hard.